Capeworld Comics

 

What do you want me to say?

 

Swan researched, directed, and wrote the episode. It’s likely this episode is something of a gift to him since Dio vs Alucard has been his version of Tekkaman Blade vs Rom for years. And we know what Swan thinks about the matchup.

 

Swan, you aren’t that boomer, what are you doing deleting old blog posts? You should know that its useless to delete anything on the internet. All you do if flag it and show that it’s something you’re embarrassed of–and you should be embarrassed of your old blog, it was horrible.

 

Everyone knows Alucard would mulch Dio. Death Battle got it right the first time when the accessed JJBA in Jotaro vs Kenshiro. They aren’t faster than light, time stop isn’t infallible, and the best physical stand feat they have is Star Platinum throwing a part of a building. A nuke goes off beneath the entire cast of Stardust Crusaders, they all die.

 

Here’s the fight–Dio is up against someone who can regenerate from a puddle without dipping into his soul bank. We know this because even fodder level vampires with soul banks of 0 like Seras are able to do the “turn into a shadow blob and regenerate” deal. For Alucard to use up a soul, he has to “die” in a way that would kill a vampire. He’s got to eat an attack from a holy weapon or get his heart staked. Since Dio isn’t exactly a saint, this means Dio has to find Alucard’s heart within his blobby matter and stab it 3 million times. And that’s assuming he clues into that needing to be done, it’s not like Alucard is like the vampires from his setting. It’s more likely Dio wastes time trying to find wherever Alucard parked his stand since that would be his best guess for how he’s able to do the things he can do.

 

He can also turn into mist or just drop Shadowcat intangibility, so forget about Dio even touching him if he decides to fight seriously. Alucard is a old-school vampire in that he follows the rules and the rules are that unless you use his weaknesses against him, you can’t hurt him. Even if we take a different interpretation and say that if you puddle Alucard he has to consume a soul (the series is never exactly clear on what counts as 1 life,) he’s got a soul bank of 3 million and can toggle on illusions, mist, and intangibility to avoid being hit altogether.

 

Now from Alucard’s side, he just needs to hit Dio once. Just once. The World is not a force field with 360 degree coverage. Something is going to get through, and when it does that’s game because damage to the user transfers to the stand. Dio will be down and so will the World, and then 3 million blood minions jump on him.

 

You know how Dio had to use a timestop to get out of of Kakyoin’s emerald splash web? Imagine if the web was always around him and he can’t tell which parts of the web are real and which are illusions. That’s how it is fighting Alucard. He can attack from all sides, from above and below. He’s got magic homing bullets and magic homing playing cards. He’s got an army of 3 million blood minions. And he can feint with illusions to bait out a time stop, which from Alucard’s perspective would look like some kind of teleportation.

 

Something is going to get Dio.

 

That’s why Alucard should win this match. He just needs to get lucky once while Dio has to bankrupt Alucard’s soul bank over resistance from regeneration, mist-mode, intangibility, illusions, etc.

 

But he’s not going to win. Oh believe me, I want him to win, and I’ll be very happy if I’m wrong, but he’s not going to win. Swan loves his waifu vampfu too much. He sees Dio pose on the road roller and thinks “Yes! Fellow theater kid! I grok you!”

 

Just look at this nonsense:

 

 

I usually have to watch a Jen Psaki presser to see spin this awful. Someone tell Swan spin isn’t a thing until Steel Ball Run.

 

So again, what do you want me to say? That I believe Death Battle would wrangle Swan and keep him under control? That I believe people can put aside their petty biases for the sake of fair play and reason?

 

In 2021?

 

Are you high?

 

No man, Alucard is going to be sacrificed to keep JoJo out of the Oxygen Club. It’s a shame, because on paper this is a fascinating match just because both fighters screw with the others’ expectations. Dio is going to think that Alucard has a stand hidden away somewhere that’s letting him turn into a shadow blob and would try and find that stand while Alucard would think Dio is a really powerful telekinetic that can teleport. It’s a fun matchup because even by the standards of Death Battle the two have imperfect knowledge of each other. For most matchups, the two fighters kind of know everything they need to know about the other after the initial exchange. Not so here.

 

Oh well.

 

Dio is going to win, not on his merits, but because Swan is a complete and total Pucci.