Ryu Hayabusa vs Batman (Both NES Versions)
Props to Saikoro, who made the thumbnail.
Table of Contents
So, What’s The Theme Here?
NES wall jumper ninjas who seek vengeance.
Only their first NES games will be considered, because trust me Ryu bros, you don’t want me to bring in the Batman who had the jetpack and energy blaster.
Ryu Hayabusa
Sometimes, you have to wait for technology to catch up with the culture. Ninjas, for instance, were huge in the 80’s especially the early 80’s. You had TMNT, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes in GI Joe, Tobikage (Love survivor! Love survivor!), and especially Cannon films. Cannon gave the world a slew of films about ninjas in the modern world, films like Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, and American Ninja (as a testament to how popular ninjas were, there were 5 American Ninja films.). There was something about a dude in black pajamas running around and doing acrobatics in a cityscape that just clicked with people. And if video game technology had progressed a little faster there is no doubt in my mind that we would have had a billion ninja games in the early 80’s. But the technology just wasn’t there yet. You couldn’t simulate the feel of an acrobatic shuriken thrower with an Atari 2600.
But you could on an NES, and that’s why, in 1988, we got Ninja Gaiden.
Ninja Gaiden was a hallmark in video game development. It was the first time you had a video game that delivered a story in a way that felt like a tv show or movie. It wasn’t the first game to tell a story, you had lots of RPGs with intricate stories way before Ninja Gaiden, and it wasn’t the first video game with cutscenes, but it was the first game to heavily rely on cutscenes for storytelling, and the first game to weave cutscenes into gameplay. Just try and figure out how to beat the Masked Demon after skipping the cutscene before his fight, go on, I’ll dare you. Just look at the cutscenes all together. It’s a 20 minute storyboard. You didn’t have games with 20 minutes of story development before Ninja Gaiden. It’s taken as granted nowadays that video games tell stories by weaving together cutscenes and playable segments, but Ninja Gaiden did it first.
The story is nothing too impressive. It’s got a lot of Hollywood movies in it’s DNA, most notably Cannon ninja films and their derivatives with an ancient ninja operating in modern times, but it’s also got some James Bond, Aliens, Rambo, and dare I suggest it, a little Ghostbusters. But by the standards of video games, especially 80’s video games, it’s story is masterfully engrossing. You play as Ryu Hayabusa, who’s father Ken Hayabusa is the white ninja in the opening cutscene, whose “whose clash against the full moon” is easily one of the most iconic scenes not just in the NES library but in video games in general. Ken is killed by the other ninja, but he sent a letter to his son telling him that if he doesn’t return from his duel, to take his family’s magic dragon sword and seek out an archeologist named Walter Smith in America.
Yeah, this game has a secondary cast, something very unusual for video games at the time. It’s got Irene Lew, femme fatal and love interest in the Bond girl tradition, and Foster, a CIA goon who backstabs Ryu, and while Ryu doesn’t get to take him down this game, he gives him the Rambo promise at the end and makes good on that promise in the sequel.
It turns out the ninja that killed Ken belongs to a cult led by a guy named Jacquio. They need two demon statues to perform a ritual to summon an ancient demon that was once summoned to Earth in ancient times and was defeated by Ryu’s ancestor with his family’s dragon sword. Of course, they get the two statues (the evil cult always get to summon the demon for a final boss fight, always), but wouldn’t you know it, there happens to be a modern version of the guy that beat the demon the first time in the form of Ryu.
It goes to show it pays to keep traditions alive. One day, the final vampire hunter is going to die without leaving a heir, and then we’ll all be in trouble…
Weapons
In addition to standard video game pick-ups like one-ups, time stops, health, and points, Ryu can pick up “spirit points” which cap at 99, and subweapons. Ryu can only use one subweapon at a time, and picking up another subweapon replaces the one being held.
Katana: Far more than your typical “folded 1 gorillion times” sword, Ryu’s dragon sword has some serious anti-evil magic properties and is the reason why he can even hurt the big demon at the end of the game. Ryu’s katana swing is fairly quick and has good range. You feel like a master swordsman compared to Ryu’s bigger, clunkier foes.
Shuriken: The most common pick-up weapon, and the least useful. Throw a small shuriken. Classic ninja move. Costs 3 spirit points.
Windmill Shuriken: Now we’re talking. The most fun weapon in the game. The windmill shuriken is larger than the normal shuriken and will loop around you until it “catches” you. Play keep-away to turn the windmill shuriken into a death-storm. Costs 5 spirit points.
Fire Blast: Shoots a stream of fire balls that travels up in upward curve. Great for blocking projectiles and hitting awkwardly placed enemies. Second most useful pick-up weapon. Costs 5 spirit points.
Fire Wheel: Sucks. This pick-up weapon surrounds you in fire, essentially making you invincible for a short time, but it only lasts 5 seconds and it replaces your sub weapon. Meaning that you basically picked up something that takes away your subweapon in exchange for 5 seconds of invincibility. Like I said, it sucks. Try not to pick it up.
Spin Attack: The best pick-up in the game. Turns bosses into jokes. Makes ledge blocking enemies die. Destroys flying projectiles that would otherwise hit you mid-air and send you plummeting into a bottomless pit below. Activates automatically when you jump and costs 5 spirit points. The only downside is that if you aren’t careful with your jumps, you can easily burn through your entire store of spirit points.
Bosses
Barbarian: The first member of the Malice Four and predictably the weakest. Probably one of the weakest bosses in all of video games, especially for video games known for being hard. Manual says that he’s known as the “executioner of South America” and plagued Brazil from his jungle hideout, which sort of makes him like an evil Blanka.
Though he’s a big guy and wields a big ax, he’s so hunched over that his range is actually less than Ryu. Just attack him. He’ll stop short of you as you slice him to ribbons.
Man, Brazil, did you really need help taking care of this guy? You get the feeling at the end of the fight that you less put down a supercriminal and more killed a guy suffering from rickets and acromegaly.
Bomberhead: Coming in at the end of Stage 2 is the second member of the Malice Four is a man that looks vaguely like Marvel’s Rage with name that seems vaguely like a slur. He’s the most sympathetic member of the Malice Four since the manual says he was deserted in the South Bronx, and man, growing up in NYC is punishment enough without having to grow up in the darkest side of the night, but he cashed in that sympathy and more by becoming New York’s “King of Evil,” which makes him like the Shredder or Sho-nuff but without the charisma.
He’s only marginally tougher than Barbarian, because he’ll occasionally commit to a swing that outranges your katana, but he’s still real easy. Just stab him when he’s swinging his chain.
Basaquer: Somehow, his name seems even more like a slur than Bomberhead. Basaquear is the third member of the Malice Four and comes in at the end of Stage 3. See a pattern yet? Though at this point, he’s a member of the Malice Two, and when you’re done with him, it’s Malice One. That gang of four thing really didn’t last lone, did it?
According to the manual, he was a warrior trained in China and mastered all the martial arts. He was a member of the “Ranges of Death,” which I like to think is a group of Chinese assassins who specialize in killing at different ranges, like Basaquear was the mid-range guy alongside a guy that kills by touching you and a guy with a sniper rifle, but it’s probably a garbled translation of “Shi Sentai,” because sentai often gets translated “rangers” for some reaon, like how “Super Sentai” became “Power Rangers.”
What’s wrong with “squad?” I just don’t understand.
Basaquear was kicked out of the “Ranges of Death” for being too bloodthirsty, which made him the perfect recruit in Jaquio’s eyes.
Basaquear continues the pattern of being only marginally tougher than the last boss. He leaps from one side of the arena to the other, stabbing down with his knives. When he lands, he sends three rocks flying toward Ryu, either because he throws them or because the shockwaves of his jump causes a rock spray it’s hard to tell on NES graphics. The rocks, like all projectiles in the game, can be cut, so they’re really no big deal provided you’re expecting them.
Kelbeross: Time for a combo breaker! The boss of Stage 4 is not the fourth member of the Malice Four but instead two animated stone guardians. They devs were possible inspired by Ghostbusters, but the again, the concept of apotropaic stone guardians is one found across time and cultures. Japanese have shisa, Europeans have gargoyles, Balinese have bhoma, and weirdo cultists have kelbeross.
Anyway, the Kelbeross are the first time in the game the boss posses something like a challenge. They can get out of hand, especially since there are two of them, but the spin attack blenders them, as it blenders just about all the bosses. The bosses don’t have invincibility frames, so a spinning ball of death just chews through their HP. The spin attack is virtually a one-hit kill. Just focus on cutting up one, then go for the other. They’re harder then the previous bosses, but easy compared to what’s coming up.
Bloody Malth: He’s the guy in the opening that killed Ryu’s dad in the cool ninja duel. Yeah, he’s the other ninja, even though now he looks like a MOTU figure. The manual says he’s the source of a North European legend about a man with a “shield of death” and an “iron mask of blood.” He studied the secrets of Eastern martial arts and now leads the Malice Four, though by the time you get to him, they’re the Malice 1.
God only knows if the ability to call lighting to his hand and throw it as a ball comes from his shield and magic helmet or if he picked it up while studying the secrets of chi. I’m betting it’s from his equipment. It seems a Thor thing, you know?
Malth is when the bosses get challenging. If you aren’t ready for him, odds are you’re going to die. The spin attack wrecks him, of course, but it doesn’t spawn on stage 5. Uh oh! But there’s a little good news–the first time you reach him, the game fills up your health, and you’re going to need all your health. Get up close to him, crouch, and chop off his knees below his shield of death. Don’t worry about the lightning balls. I don’t think you can even dodge them to begin with, so it’s a pure DPS race, but so long as you’re persistent, you can beat him in that race.
The Masked Devil: Plot twist! Malth didn’t kill Ryu’s dad. Instead, he knocked him, captured him, and then had Jaquio brainwash him into the Masked Devil, first boss of Stage 6.
If you were a no-fun scrub you might be confused as to what you have to do in this fight. Ryu’s attacks don’t hurt the Masked Devil (because Ryu knows it’s his dad), but if you had SOUL and watched the cutscene before the fight, you’ll know that what you need to do is destroy the gem in the center of the arena to break the mind control. It sounds simple, but the problem is that the gem spawns energy arms that gather around the Masked Devil. You can destroy the orbs, but so many come out so fast that eventually the Masked Devil is going to have a big shield up. That’s a problem, but the fire blast cuts through them pretty easily and can hit the gem to boot, but if you don’t have it, you can climb up the wall, wait for the Masked Devil and his orbs to be directly under you, jump off, and hit the gem while running to the other side. It works.
They actually play a unique track for this fight. So much soul in these old games!
Jaquio: The cult leader himself. He opens the fight by shooting a fireball at Ryu in a cutscene, and Ryu’s dad sacrifices himself to save his son. What a dick move! You know, it’s not like this all isn’t very boiler plate storytelling, but by the standards of even modern video games, this is pretty good stuff. You went from “Ryu’s dad is alive” to “Ryu’s dad is dead again” in minutes. You definitely want to kick Jaquio’s ass after he fries Ryu’s dad. But if you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re likely to get your ass kicked.
It’s a little hard to describe how Jaquio fights. He flies above the pillars and shoots down pairs of fireballs, and if these fireballs travel far enough, they’ll loop back and home in on you. The fireballs can be destroyed, but it’s much better if they don’t come back at all. For some reason, if you’re on the ground when they reach you or on the wall, they’ll travel off screen and won’t loop. Like I said, it’s hard to describe, but once you get it, you can avoid getting the fireballs looping, and then Jaquio is easy. The most important thing to remember, however, is not to to get too greedy with your attacks and not to worry too much about the fireballs, because the fireballs only deal 1 pip of damage per hit. If you get hit by Jaquio’s body, it does 4 pips of damage.
Jashin: Good news, you killed the cult leader! Bad news, you didn’t grab his magic statues fast enough and an eclipse has caused them to summon Jaquio’s demon.
So who did Jaquio summon? Gap? Aim? Decarabia? Belial? He summoned some HR Giger looking dude named Jashin. Dude looks like he came out of Contra.
The cutscenes say that the demon has the power to destroy an entire country, so there’s COUNTRY LEVEL RYU Swank to be had here, but the parsimonious explanation for why demon can destroy a country is that conventional weapons just don’t work against him. Ryu is exempt because he has the dragon sword, which is said to counter the demon’s magic.
Jashin really only has one attack, and that’s to fling grody shrimp looking projectiles at you. They’re not too hard to dodge, the danger here is getting careless and sloppy. If they do hit you, they deal 4 damage, so if you end up panicking you can really blow it just before the finish line. I think the projectile are supposed to be his blood, because when you chop his head off, they increase in frequency.
To kill Jashin, you got to get to his heart, and to get to his heart you got to cut off his tail and head. It may not look like you’re hurting him when you strike his head and tail, but if you hit them enough times they will fall off. Be mindful of the head–it comes at you like a projectile when it comes off.
Batman
There were two times in history where Batman was the face and king of superheroes. It wasn’t when he first came out. Batman when he first started was just a rip-off of the Shadow down from his stories being lifted from Shadow pulps with the characters’ names changed. Believe it or not, Batman barely survived the superhero die-off of the 1950’s. The superhero industry was basically carried on the back of Captain Marvel and to a lesser extent Superman, and National-DC had serious talks about canceling Batman’s books. But then came NA NA NA NA NA NA NA BATMAN with Adam West, and the slickly written camp show went for 120 episodes, only 19 less than I Dream of Jeannie. and a movie. Batman was huge in the 1960’s. Adam West once said the sixties were dominated by the 3 B’s–Bond, Beetles, and Batman, and he was right. But there is a season, turn, turn, as they say, and what’s cool today is uncool tomorrow. In the 70’s and 80’s, Superman was back to doing the heavy lifting for DC, with several movies and television shows, and to a lesser extent Wonder Woman with the Linda Carter show, but Batman was labeled the “campy, funny superhero,” seemingly forever, even as the comics darkened him considerably. Just look up what Mike Barr had Batman do to Ras Al Ghul.
But then came 1989 and Tim Burton’s Batman. The film was a megahit. People loved the film’s depiction of Gotham as a timeless retro-world of fedora wearing gangsters, intrepid journalists, art deco skyscrapers, and gothic gargoyles, Jack Nicholson’s depiction of the Joker as an eccentric gangster with artistic pretensions, and Michael Keaton’s depiction of Batman as an eccentric but well-meaning outsider struck fire. Prince did a music video for it. Could there have been a greater symbol of pop culture prestige in 1989? And coming hot on the heels of the film came 1992’s Batman: The Animated Series, which took a great deal of influence from the film. Batman would cast a massive shadow over superhero and superhero related media for the rest of the 90’s. Why were the skies in the TMNT cartoon red? Because Batman. Why did Disney try and make stylized retro films like Dick Tracy and Rocketeer? Because Batman. Why did Disney Saturday morning have Darkwing Duck and Gargoyles? Because they wanted to both parody Batman and ape his style. Why did we get movies with the Phantom and the Shadow? Because they were Batman before Batman. Why did we get Darkman? Because Batman.
So yeah, no wonder that we saw a Batman video game in 1989. Batmania reached everywhere.
And wouldn’t you know it, the game was good, really good, even though all evidence points to the game originally being designed as it’s own thing and then getting retooled as a Batman game once Sunsoft got the license. While the first level of the game looks very much like Gotham and the last level looks like the bell tower from the end of the movie, the other three levels wouldn’t look out of place in Bionic Commando or Ninja Gaiden. The enemies in the game are, let’s just say, very divergent from their comic book counterparts. Quite a lot of them are mutants, cyborgs, or robots, and while Batman has fought mutants, cyborgs, and the comics and movies, he typically doesn’t fight them in the form of Joker’s giant minion army. Joker usually has guys in clown outfits or wearing little Joker badges like in the movie, not guys that look like they escaped a 90’s OVA. And Batman himself, while he throws out the usual biff bam power punches and batarangs, also has a speargun.
But though Batman takes a lot of liberties with the franchise, make no mistake, it’s a classic game. You got to at the very least try it.
Well that’s um…not very descriptive. In fact, I think it tells you about as much about the plot as not reading it does…somehow.
It’s an NES game, what you are expecting? Joker is doing Joker stuff with his Joker gang. Go out and Batman to the extreme.
Weapons
I like to imagine that, in fitting with the bizarre cyberpunk feel of the game, the pellets are little capsules of programmable material that Batman loads up into an omniweapon.
Batman can stock up to 99 pellets, and it’s actually not hard to reach 99, since pellet items are relatively plentiful and each item grants 10 pellets.
Fists: Rather self-explanatory. Batman’s default weapon. Can punch really fast, especially if you got a turbo controller. You do have a controller with turbo fire, right? I mean, you aren’t some sort of casual, are you? I like how when you have the fist selected it’s just called BATMAN. Batman is the weapon.
Batarang: Well, duh. Probably the best weapon in the game. It takes a little skill to get the most out of. At the cost of 1 pellet, you throw an arcing batarang that returns to you. The range is rather limited, but it goes through walls and if you aim it right you can get multiple hits against enemies, especially big ones like the EEV. Be careful using these for close-ranged enemies. There’s a blindspot, and you might find yourself wiffing your throws as enemies touch you to death.
Speargun: It may seem odd for Batman to carry around a speargun, but consider that a speargun is really nothing but a grappling hook with the cord cut. At the cost of 2 pellets, fires a relatively slow moving projectile that hits a little harder than the batarang. It travels the entire screen, but is blocked by walls.
Dirk: A dirk is a small dagger, but apparently someone on staff liked Krull, because Batman has his own throwing bladed disc weapon inexplicably named after a melee weapon. The dirk is a bladed circle that splits apart into three smaller bladed circles. It looks cool, hits as hard as the speargun, goes through walls, and it being essentially the spread shot from Contra means it can hit hard-to-reach enemies, but it takes 3 pellets per shot, which means you won’t be using it much. 3 pellets may not seem like a big investment when you can stock up to 99 pellets, but consider spazzing out on the A button with the batarang, throwing a little triple shot, costs 3 pellets, while doing it with the dirk costs 9, blowing through 1/10th of your max pellet supply.
Bosses
There are five stages and six bosses in Batman, and that’s because in the original Japanese version of the game, the game ended after killing Firebug. Yeah. Joker gets taken out in a cutscene, if you can believe it. People complained (and rightfully so, how are you going to put all those cutscenes with Joker in the game and not have him throw down at the end?), so they had Joker show up and fight Batman after Firebug in the overseas versions.
You know, the original ending wasn’t bad. It’s essentially START POUNDING, JOKER in NES form, but the ending of the American version was just Elder god tier.
I KNOW YOU KILLED MY PARENTS. NOW YOU WILL DANCE WITH THE DEVIL IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT!
Holy shit! Based beyond words, he just executed Joker! He didn’t indirectly kill him by tying him to a gargoyle like in the film, he didn’t go JOKER GRAB MY HAND like one of the bleeding heart versions, he just throws Joker out a window. Blood for blood, pagliachi!
This might actually be the greatest NES ending. It’s neck-and-neck with Dragon Quest IV’s ending.
Why oh why, with all the noise DC likes to make about the multiverse, has the NES Batman not crossed over with the main DC Batman yet? Can you imagine how sweet it would be for main Batman to cry while this purple version of himself tosses his clown-fu off a building?
Killer Moth: Let it be known that, before the NES Batman, the only Batman villains to be featured in video games were Joker and Penguin. That means Killer Mother beat out Two-Face, Clayface, Poison Ivy, Ras Al Ghul, Scarecrow, Riddler, and Killer Croc to video games.
And he’s not too changed in this game, certainly not to the extent of other characters.
The comic book version of Killer Moth was the first of many “Anti-Batman” characters like Prometheus and Owlman. His thing was that he protected criminals like Batman protected civilians. Criminals would shine the moth signal and he would come in a flash in his mothmobile. This version, on the other hand, is a jetpack equipped assassin that shoots fireball spreads.
As expected of the first boss, he’s rather easy. Just throw a batarang when he dives down and not only will he take damage, but he’ll be knocked backwards. That’s a pretty decent strength feat for Batman, throwing a batarang hard enough to knock back a guy on a jetpack.
A lot of people think that Killer Moth was supposed to be Firefly but something got garbled in translation, because you see a guy with wings and a jetpack who throws fire and of course you’re going to think Firefly, but that can’t be the case. You see, the pre-Crisis version of Firefly was a guy that used light tricks for a gimmick. The post-Crisis crazy flying arsonist debuted in Knightfall, in 1993, 4 years after the video game. For all we know, the writers might have been inspired by the video game Killer Moth when they decided to reboot Firefly!
Machine Intelligence: An easy and fun boss. It’s like a big obstacle course, you got to destroy the barriers defending a big Hal 9000 eye and then pop the eye. As a kid, I liked to imagine that this was supposed to be HARDAC from the animated series.
According to the manual, this evil AI oversees Axis Chemicals, which Joker turned into a base. The tech level of this world seems wayyyyy greater than that of the Burtonverse. the Axis Chemicals in the film was just a rickety old chemical plant commissioned to make illegal nerve gas for the CIA. Here, it’s got an AI.
The Electrocutioner: If you know the Electrocutioner, you probably know him from being the non-boss in Arkham Origins. In the comics, he was a Punisher-type character, a guy with electrified gloves who fancied himself an itinerant electric chair for bad guys. So him being a goon for the Joker is already extremely divergent from the comic character. But it gets even weirder.
He’s not just a guy with shock gloves in the game, here he’s some sort of weird cyborg mutant guy with a mohawk. His arm is a mega buster and it projects a little electric lightsaber thing. When you fight him, he jumps around and “flings” the lightsaber at you in the form of a giant crescent. You can’t jump the crescent, you got to know its coming and prepare for it by climbing up to the rocks. You’re safe from the crescent once you do that…but not his jumps. He can jump high enough to touch you and thus hurt you, but his head also comes within batarang range, so it becomes a test of how good you can judge where his head is going to peak above the rocks.
To be honest, he’s probably the most frustrating boss in the game if you try and beat him the “normal” way. The easiest way is just to pelt him with batarangs while staying on the ground and eat a couple of crescent shots in the process. Provided you have at least half your health bar, you should be able to kill him before he kills you.
According got the manual, the Electrocutioner is the strongest man on Earth, which raises a lot of questions about the wider universe of this setting. Does this world not have a Superman? He’s also called electrogenic, which implies that his ability to generate electricity, if not his ability to channel it, is innate, so perhaps metahumans are thing on this world. The crescent thing he shoots is called the “Moon Attacker,” probably because it looks a little like a crescent moon, and it’s said to be a 10 Mega-Giga volt killer beam, and I’m not even going to try and calc that, because that’s a nonsense phrase even by the standards of normal technobabble. What the hell is “Mega-Giga?” Is that the sequel we would have gotten to Ultra Mega if it didn’t go on hiatus forever? It sounds like a digivolution some kid made up on the playground.
And of course, it’s given in volts. I crave a setting where the electric attacks are actually given in watts.
High school level pro tip here: joule is the unit for energy. Watts is the unit for energy transfer and is joule per second. Watts is the most useful measurement for power level comparisons since the act of beating the crap out of your opponent, be it through muscles or death beams, is energy transfer.
For electricity, watts is volts X amps, but you bet whenever someone shoots an arc of electricity, someone always describes it as “1000 volts” or “1000 amps” when that’s literally only giving half the equation we need to find how powerful the attack is.
Dual-Container Alarm: Hey, it’s that water boss from Mega Man 1 only without the water!
It’s probably the most forgettable boss in the game. I bet people confuse it with the AI system all the time. Like the Electrocutioner, it’s best beaten by constantly attacking and not worrying about the few hits you’re going to take.
Firebug: In the comics, Firebug was an arsonist with a little military training who had it out for several buildings because his family suffered accidents in those buildings. He would be overshadowed by the later Firefly, who took his arsonist schtick and added insanity and a cool design. That’s the secret to long-running Batman villain success–insanity plus a cool design.
In the game, however, Firebug is uh…something very different. He’s Joker’s chief minion and personal bodyguard, and when you ascend the bell tower to fight him, he teleports in front of you in the form of lightning, Rayden style. Then he proceeds to fight you with shoulder charges punches, and his signature fireballs. If you ever wondered what Batman fighting a Fist of the North Star character would look like, here you go.
The manual says that Firebug wants revenge on Batman for beating his brother. We never find out who his brother is, but it’s probably Killer Moth given that they both have horn helmets and fire powers. But hey, for all we know Electrocutioner is his brother. Maybe they’re all brothers? Maybe his brother was one of the random running stage goons?
According to the manual, Firebug’s fireballs are, get this 600 million degrees Celsius and annihilate anything they hit to atomic pieces. That’s six times the heart of a nuclear explosion. It’s not the hottest temperature ever produced, however. Scientists managed t make a quark-gluon interaction produce 7 trillion degrees, but as said, that was on a subatomic level and Firebug’s fireballs are the size of a man. Remember, with temperature, as with a lot of things, size matters.
Firebug is actually kind of easy, and it makes me think he’s Killer Moth’s brother. Just batarang him mid-air when he jumps at you. It’ll prevent him from punching the crap out of you, and his fireballs, hyped as they are, are no big deal. Just jump over them. Convection apparently doesn’t apply to 600 million degree fireballs, so as long as you don’t make skin contact with them, you’re a-okay.
Joker: The big boss himself, and the comic baddie most like what you’d expect, which says a lot since he has the inexplicable power to summon down bolts of lightning with a wave of his hand.
Besides the lightning powers, Joker has his giant handgun from the film, because of course you’d have to give him his giant handgun, it’s part of one of the coolest scenes in the film. But unlike the film, Joker’s gun has more than one bullet. It’s also, appropriate for being an anti-aircraft weapon, obscenely powerful. It deals 3 pips of damage. Everything else in the game, from thugs running into you to Electrocutioner’s “10 mega-giga volt moon attacker” to Firebug’s 600 million Celsius fireballs deals 1 pip of damage. Joker deals 3.
Swankers, go crazy. Composite Joker has a gun three times more powerful than 600 million Celsius fireballs.
Joker’s also huge. Look how big he is compared to Batman. Batman’s head comes up to his chest. The other dudes were cyborg mutant freaks, so it made sense they’d be bigger than Batman, but what’s up with Joker? Did he secretly supe himself up off screen? Did he down some gluk on the side? Is that why he can summon lightning, is he a mutant in this universe?
So, Who Wins?
It depends on how we build the fight.
If we go under Death Battle Swank rules, Batman wins, because his durability scales to Firebug’s stupidly hot fireballs. needing to take 8 of those to die is better some Superman feats. But I feel the most parsimonious explanation for how Batman’s durability works is that any hit, be it a nuclear fireball or shoulder tackle, takes 1 pip of life from him, except Joker’s gun which takes 3 because it’s so cool.
If we don’t give Batman Firebug Swank, but give both guys all their pick-ups and power-ups, then Ryu wins because once he touches the hourglass, all he has to do is press A next to Batman 8 times to win.
But what if we treat this like they’ve both entered a boss room? They have max ammo, but items aren’t going to spawn at their feet. That’s the most interesting way to do this fight, I think.
So who wins under that scenario?
Ryu.
Let’s break down why he wins. It wasn’t by much, this was a close fight.
First, who is more durable? Well, on first glance, that would seem to be Ryu. It’s 16 pips vs 8 pips. But keep in mind Batman only ever takes 1 damage from attacks unless it’s Joker’s gun. The damage Ryu can take from attacks ranges from 1 pip to 4 pips. Ryu’s attacks are comparable to what Batman usually deals with, so it’s fair to say that he needs 8 hits to drop Batman. I’d say that Batman could deal 2 damage to Ryu. 2 damage is what Bomberhead does with his big chain attack. If Bomberhead can do 2 damage to Ryu, Batman should be able to do 2 damage as well. So they’d both need to score 8 hits to win, but Batman has an edge in this category because while he eats a little hitstun when he gets damaged, he doesn’t eat hitsun like Ryu, who gets sent sailing backwards, often off a cliff and to his death.
Who is stronger? It’s a tie. Batman can throw a batarang hard enough to knock back Killer Moth, who charges at him with a jetpack, but Ryu can fillet stone guardians, and both can kill giant mutant freaks.
Who is faster and more agile? Ryu. Just play their games and you’ll see what I mean. Batman can vary the height of his jump, the manual says that you can tap the button to jump and hold down the button for a taller “Batman jump,” which I wish entered the common lexicon like “Superman punch,” but Ryu has much more control while he’s spinning in the air. He can also climb, while Batman can only wall jump, and Batman has to wall jump when he touches a wall, he can’t just stick around like Ryu. On the ground, Ryu is easily faster.
What happens when they fight up close? Ryu has the better reach with his katana, but his swings are much slower than Batman’s punches. What’s more, while Ryu gets ragdolled after a punch, Batman is only slightly stunned meaning if they both exchange blows, Ryu is primed to eat another fist while Batman is primed to deliver another punch.
What happens when they fight a long range? At first glance, Batman has the advantage. Unlike Ryu who has to commit to a single subweapon at a time, Batman always has access to all three of his subweapons, but Ryu is the only one who can destroy projectile with his melee attack, and what’s more, fire blast turns all of Batman’s projectiles to ash, and if Batman is close enough, he also gets hit.
Who gets the experience advantage? Batman. Remember, Ryu is still a relatively inexperienced ninja. His father only involved him as a last resort. His inexperience was why he dropped his guard around Irene and got captured at the end of Act 1. God only knows what sort of bizarre backstory this version of Batman had, but odds are it involved a lot of prep time and training. Batman’s foes were generally more impressive with their 600 million degree fireballs, superguns, lightning powers, and “Moon Attackers.” And if you wanted to stretch things, Batman has experience fighting ninjas through KGBeast, the ninja mini-boss of the first stage, while Ryu has never fought anyone quite like Batman before.
Durability: Batman
Strength: Tie
Speed and Agility: Ryu
Close Range: Batman
Long Range: Ryu
Experience: Batman
Ultimately what gets Ryu over is his ability to neutralize Batman’s weapons from a distance with his fire blast while being agile enough to keep out of Batman’s fist range and counterattack with his longer reach. With his long range advantage neutralized, Batman’s is a less mobile fighter with a shorter reach and will eventually go down, but not without putting up a fight first.
How The Fight Would Go
Fight opens with Ryu in Gotham (you got to use Batman for the backgrounds, because it’s got the best graphics by far) making hay out of the Joker’s goons until he’s stopped by a batarang thrown at his feet.
We got to a Ninja Gaiden cutscene.
“When did you get back in town, KGBeast?’ Batman asks.
“Huh? Who are you?” Ryu asks.
Cut to the surprised Ryu cutscene face. “Batman?”
Cut to Ryu having a flashback in which Joe Musashi from Shinobi tells him about another kind of Batman he fought.
Cut to the angry Ryu cutscene face. “Yes, I have heard of you, Batman…”
Cut back to the sprites with a SHING sound cue as Ryu draws his katana.
They clash, and in the close melee Batman gets the better of Ryu and sends him flying back. He then launches batarangs at Ryu who destroys them with his katana as he slowly advances. When he mixes it up with Batman this time, he keeps his distance and avoids the fist flurry while whittling down Batman with the tip of his katana.
Batman retreats and Ryu pursues him. Batman starts wall jumping between two buildings and the fight becomes a wall jump duel. First they exchange blows, then they match batarangs with shuriken, then we got to slow-mo as Batman throws a dirk. Ryu jumps, thinking he’s cleared it, but it splits into three and Ryu gets tagged in mid-air. He falls all the way down. Big, bone crushing impact. Batman, on the roof, fires a rocket down at Ryu who destroys it with a shuriken before it can hit him. The rocket’s explosion creates a smoke cloud, and Batman dives through the smoke cloud and knees Ryu right in the gut.
Ryu looks finished, but he throws out the windmill shuriken, which Batman jukes only for it to hit him him from behind. Ryu rolls away and the fighters face each other.
“Interesting weapons.” Batman says as he pulls the windmill shuriken out of his back. “Joker cyborg?”
“I am Ryu Hayabusa. Ninja.”
“Outsourced help.”
They clash. Ryu throws out another windmill shuriken, and as he plays keep away from it, he gradually wears down Batman as he cuts through Batman’s batarangs. But Batman catches the windmill shuriken and throws it at Ryu. It sticks in him as Batman moves in for the kill. Ryu eats rapid fire punches from Batman, freezes in hitstun, then gets sent flying backwards into wall as if he stored up momentum from all the punches. His katana clatters to the ground.
Ryu tries to stand but falls down as Batman approaches.
Batman says “It’s over. You’re weaponless.”
Ryu stands up. “Anyone can use a weapon. But the ninja is a weapon!”
Batman leaps at Ryu, but Ryu catches him in fire blast and Batman goes up in flames, just like when he dies in his game. Ryu collapses, spent from the fight.
Outro shows Ryu slicing NES Joker in two as Atari Superman cries over Batman’s grave.
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