Intro

 

 

In the 90’s, gross-out was God. It wasn’t just grunge rock and slacker culture, kids were weaned on a diet of gross-out. It was the decade of slime, bathroom humor, babies adventuring outside, Miss Frizzle saying it was time to make mistakes and get messy, and stuff they wouldn’t dare make today for cartoons like Ren and Stimpey and Rocko’s Modern Life. It was as if the human noosphere understood that in a few decades childhood would transition from outdoor fun and bruises and developing a functional immunity to days spent languishing in front of screens and wanted the gross, disgusting aspects of childhood to go out with a bang.

 

The 90’s were also the decade of the superhero parody. What a lot of people don’t get looking back on the XTREME decade was that quite a lot of it was tongue-in-cheek. There was the Tick, the mighty god-king of superhero parodies, was first written in 1986, but his popularity took off like a rocket in 1994 when he got a cartoon in 1994, the same year that brought us Earthworm Jim. In less mainstream circles, there was the Maxx in 1993, the surreal hobo-superhero who was also a rabbit. In 1991, there was the Mask in comics, and in 1994 a softer, less-homicidal version made it to theaters. So prevalent were parody superheroes that even legit superheroes like Space Ghost got in on the act. Finally, in1997, you had Captain Underpants who kind of capped off the wave of parody superheroes with a lighter, more child-friendly take.

 

So who do you get when superhero parody meets gross-out?

 

Boogerman. You get Boogerman.

 

But what if you wanted someone with a cartoon? Preferably someone from the same network as another parody superhero so they can fight?

 

Then you get Powdered Toast Man, the sparkling, farting, crouton-shooting superhero from The Ren and Stimpy Show and Really Really Big Man, the cross-dressing, nipple-lashing, blue-skinned superhero from Rocko’s Modern Life.

 

Both weird. Both gross. Both stupid. Both very, very dangerous, because when you combine stupid with powers, you get stuporpowers.

 

And a bodycount.

 

…But also comedy!

 

Powdered! Toast! Mannnnnn!

 

 

“Leave everything to me!”

 

The Ren and Stimpy Show was a parody of that magical late 50’s, early 60’s period, that Incredibles period of silver age superheroes, I Dream of Jeannie, googie architecture, and UPA cartoons.

 

Why did it parody that time period? It’s because John K embodied that overwhelming compulsion of overblown animation celebs–

 

No, not grooming children, the other one.

 

Extreme daddy issues.

 

John K associated the googie period with his father. He was envious of the success of his father and the success of the period, yet at the same time he hated how both his father and society would condemn him for being a worthless monster, so he’d copy the googie style but dirty it up, unable to innovate, only able to debase what was already created.

 

But let’s not associate Ren and Stimpy with John K anymore than we need to. After all, he was just the creator, he wasn’t always the writer, and when he was he was frequently a “collaborator.” Quite a few of the writers on Ren and Stimpy hated his guts. And by the second season, he was fired. So don’t associate Powdered Toast Man with John K. His episodes were written by Richard Pursel, Vince Calandra, Chris Recardi, and Bob Camp.

 

So these writers are working on a googie era parody show. What makes an obvious target? Breakfast cereal.

 

The googie period was the period of insta-meals. The war was over. Supermarkets were full after a long period of rationing. Soldiers were making large, busy families. Moms were scrambling for easy-fix meals. Enter TV dinners. Enter spam sandwiches. Enter breakfast cereals.

 

1954–Trix with the Trix Rabbit, who will only earn his name when he finally steals a bowl from those awful children.

 

1956–Cuckoo Puffs with Sonny the Cuckoo-bird. He became addicted to the pursuit of chocolate perfection, and thus became imperfect.

 

1963–Cap’n Crunch with Cap’n Crunch, the Superman of breakfast mascots. He wasn’t the first, but he was the lamplighter, the leader, the paragon, and he will be the last, in the end.

 

1964–Lucky Charms with Lucky the Persistent Irish Stereotype. He wields power beyond his reckoning. It will destroy him. He knows it will destroy him.

 

1965–Quisp with Quisp, he-who-returned. Discontinued, disavowed, but not destroyed. Never destroyed. He will make them pay for what they did to Quake.

 

And on, and on, and on.

 

Bright, colorful, seemingly-innocent with cartoon spokesmen–but in reality over-processed and filled with so much sugar that a person from a pre-industrial society would probably die on the spot from hyperglycemia if they so much as sniffed it.

 

Breakfast cereals were a ripe target for parody.

 

Enter the parody.

 

Originally appearing in parody commercials, Powdered Toast Man was the mascot of Powdered Toast, which was to breakfast cereal what Log was to toys.

 

No, Powdered Toast isn’t, as you might assume, toast with cinnamon or sugar powder on top. It’s toast in powdered form said to taste like sawdust by Ren and Stimpy, who inexplicably love the stuff so much that they often run out, and when they do, Powdered Toast Man arrives to feed them Powdered Toast shavings from his own body.

 

It’s like some sort of bizarre postmodern sacrament. “This is my body, this is my toast.”

 

PTM proved to be pretty popular, so it wasn’t long before he featured in episodes that fleshed him out. Powdered Toast Man showed that PTM’s civilian identity was Pastor Toast Man, a hip youth pastor, which means he’s a parody not just of Superman, but Bibleman.

 

Wait. Hold on.

 

Bibleman came out in 1995. PTM first appeared in 1991.

 

Damn. PTM isn’t a take on Bibleman. Bibleman is a take on PTM!

 

We find out that PTM isn’t just a spokesman for toast. He’s a superhero…or a sorts. The first superfeat we see him perform is rescuing a cat from a speeding truck…by shooting down an airliner with his raisin breath to hit the truck. He next saves the Pope from Muddy Mudskipper, but deposits him on a mountain when George Bush mk 1 calls (and forgets about him). He’s got a problem. He’s got his little American stuck in his zipper. PTM saves the day through creative application of the old “tie a loose tooth to a doorknob, close the door” trick.

 

Wait. He castrated HW Bush? I thought he was supposed to be an incompetent, dangerous superhero? That’s some pure, golden age, Kal-L justice. Imagine if they waited a few years. Then we could have joked about Nickelodeon showing a sex pest losing his saxophone.

 

God. 90’s Nick was so different from now. POTUS got his dick pulled off. There’s no way they’d do something like that today.

 

Without a dick, HW Bush can’t be president, and passes the job to PTM. It’s very meaningful, you see. It represents the Fisher King like how powdered toast represents the sacrament. It’s all very meaningful and probably influenced the direction Zack Snyder took Superman in–that and the concept of a dangerously destructive superhuman with the personality of a child.

 

President Toast Man gets a jump-start on the Bush Jr and Obama years by vowing to end civil liberties before burning the Constitution and Declaration of Independence.

 

PTM’s second episode, Powdered Toast Man vs Waffle Woman, has an interesting history. Because of a scene where Waffle Woman blows up New York City with a syrup gun that has the Twin Towers featured prominently as a landmark, the episode was pulled from circulation. It’s kind of hilarious considering that the episode ends with PTM and WW blowing up the planet with their battle. The Twin Towers get blown up even if you remove their scene. Everything gets blown up.

 

As a crowning achievement, PTM met Spider-Man, just like his inspiration Superman did years before.

 

Yeah, that was a real crossover. You can find the whole thing voiced here, I highly recommend checking it out. It’s very funny, and the guys that voice it even read the ads! Anyone remember Mile High Comics?

 

Recently, PTM got a place on the roster of shovelware Smash clone Nick All-Star Brawl. On one hand, the bitter tears of people upset that their favorites lost a spot to toast with muscles are delicious. On the other hand, PTM deserves better treatment. Three special moves? No items? No alternate colors?

 

A fine product like powdered toast deserves better. PTM for Smash Ultimate 2?

 

Powdered Toast Man Powers And Abilities

 

 

–Has the standard “fast, invulnerable, super-strength” powers of a Superman parody.

 

–Was defeated by Spidey when he used PTM’s weakness against him–milk! So PTM is another example of a Nick superhero that can’t stay crunchy in milk. PTM can mitigate this weakness by taking out a can of powdered toast and eating it. Since he’s apparently made of powdered toast, or at the very least exfoliates powdered toast, he powers up through self-cannibalism. Not the weirdest thing about him, not by far.

 

–Is either immortal or incredibly long-lived. Photographs on the wall of his Breadbox of Solitude reveal that he was responsible for the Titanic and Hindenburg.

 

–Can scratch powdered toast shaving from his body or head which somehow gathers together to form toast.

 

–His farts are powerful, and apparently, delicious (that’s something I never thought I’d write). Powdered toast is not a complete meal unless he farts on it first. He uses his farts to propel himself through the air (meaning Boogerman owes him cash), though he can fly normally–well, “normally” for Powdered Toast Man. He never flies the correct way–eyes forward, hands outstretched in the Superman pose. He only ever flies at weird angles or in reverse.

 

–Can shoot down an airliner with his raisin projectile breath. He was trying to save a cat from a truck by stopping the truck with an airplane. Hey, don’t laugh. Zack Snyder’s Superman probably had the same idea once, he just has slightly better impulse control. But remember, raisins can’t melt steel beams.

 

–Can turn into a brown mist of aerosolized powdered toast. This allows him to sneak up on bad guys by flowing beneath doors like a breakfast themed Stardust the Super-Wizard. Hey, I gotta put a plug in these things sometimes. Some guys shill powdered toast, some guys shill webcomics, you dig?

 

–Can shoot corrosive croutons (who has croutons for breakfast?) by making armpit noises.

 

–Hit tongue is a phone. That’s it. It’s a phone.

 

–Can shoot butter pats from between his head and his…does the second piece of toast count as another head? From that gap. He fires them from that gap, and they’re powerful enough to blow up the UN. At last, he does something right!

 

–Can fire a beam of nuclear powered hyper-acidic marmalade from his belly button powerful enough to blow a giant hole in England and make it sink. How’s that, Akuma?

 

–Can fire a beam that creates a barrage of razor-sharp toast slices.

 

–Can fire membrane breading from his nose so powerful Spidey had to pull a parody of “If This Be My Destiny…” to break loose where he draws strength from the memories of everyone he knows–even his bowling partner Stan! What, no mention of his pal Steve? It’s accurate though. No way would Steve be social enough to join a bowling league.

 

—Nick All-Star Brawl gave him an all-new ability, not that I’m complaining, it’s completely within the spirit of the character to have him pull new powers out of his toaster. It’s called ARMORED CRUST and boy-oh-boy will the Smashbros like it since it’s Fox’s reflector but toast shape. They will no doubt chortle in their own puddles of filth over the funny toast guy dad used to watch on TV having the epic waveshine. Great job devs, full marks, you really showed that you’re down with the Smahers…now how about different colors so you can tell who’s who in mirror matches? Hm?

 

Powdered Toast Man Stats

 

 

Strength

 

–Spider-Man admitted PTM was outside his league, and after Peter beat him by dumping milk on him, PTM complained that he would have beaten Spidey in a fair fight. Spidey disagrees, and PTM lays him out with one punch.

 

–A single blast of his nuclear powered marmalade sank England. 

 

–His fight with Waffle Woman tore the planet apart until all that was left was a little platform PTM could stand on. It was sort of like the ending to the first Duck Dodgers cartoon from way back in 1953.

 

Speed

 

–Can fly from New York to the arctic in seconds.

 

–Was so eager to get the President to see Little Johnny that he went too fast and incinerated the President with friction. Ouch! That’s some Miracleman shit!

 

Really Really Big Man

 

 

“See how easy that was, Jimmy?…Jimmy?”

 

“Gaze into my nipples of the future!”

 

Really Really Big Man is the really really clumsy protector of O-town, the weird town with weird animal-people citizens from Rocko’s Modern Life. When compared to PTM, he’s an excellent superhero. When compared to any other superhero…he’s not. While PTM’s problem is that he has absolutely no sense of proportion to his actions, RRBM’s problem is that he’s oblivious and clumsy, best seen in the episode Power Trip where he accidentally tosses a little koala kid named Jimmy into the sun instead of a nuclear missile.

 

That’s to say he meant to toss the missile into the sun, not that he meant to toss Jimmy into a nuclear missile. That’s more a PTM move.

 

The occasional missing child and moderate property damage aside, RRBM functions as O-town’s walking Christmas Carol. He uses his bizarre powers like his magic chest hair and nipples of the future to show people their past and future so that they might change their ways in the present.

 

…That’s actually a pretty neat concept for a superhero. The Christmas Carol stuff, not the body horror. Am I saying I want to see a serious take on Really Really Big Man? Yeah, sort of. The penance stare is cool and all (when it works), but there’s something poetically simple about stopping a bad guy because you simply showed them the logical consequences of their actions.

 

But RRBM wasn’t just one of those after school special speech giving superheroes. He could throw down when he needed to like when he stopped a giant rampaging heart (Rocko’s was a weird little show).

 

When not (mostly) helping the city, RRBM maintains a secret identity by crossdressing as Lois Lame, mild-mannered receptionist.

 

Lois Lame? Come on guys. Lois deserves more respect than that. She’s not Carlie Cooper, sheesh.

 

I got to say, in presenting a crossdresser as a child-killing freak of nature, Rocko’s Modern Life was really ahead of its time. Thank you, Rocko’s Modern Life, for warning us all about crossdressers and how they will assault you with their elastic erogenous zones.

 

Really Really Big Man’s Really Really Disturbing Powers And Abilities

 

 

–Like pretty much every Superman parody, he can fly, move really fast, is invulnerable, and has super strength.

 

–Can somehow ingest the Chameleon Brothers’ coffee without ill effect. In the show, this coffee made normal characters suffer through painful but hilarious afflictions–their heads explode, they spontaneously combust, or sometimes just drop dead.

 

–Has magic chest hair that lets him project whatever is happening in the present. If someone stares deeply into his chest hair, they can see the past.

 

–Has nipples of the future, which are….well just look.

 

Dear god they got away with some shit back in the 90’s.

 

The nipples of the future show the victim the future. RRPB can even use them on himself. They also can be used to grab and lift people. Dear God, that’s one way to get the bad guys to give up.

 

You know, the wiki says he’s supposed to be some type of bugman. Naw man, naw. He’s mammalian. He’s very mammalian.

 

Really Really Big Man Stats

 

 

Strength

 

–With one armed, carried a giant squid, a building, and a nuclear missile.

 

–Accidentally tossed Jimmy (apparently this world’s version of Little Johnny) into the sun. We never actually see Jimmy hit the sun, so it’s not entirely clear how much force this used. It could have been an FTL toss, or it could have taken minutes for Jimmy to hit the sun. Fortunately, he probably perished as soon as he got tossed and subjected to g pressures beyond the reckoning of science…but then again he did scream…

 

–Once swam the tallest mountain and climbed the deepest sea…and no, those aren’t mistakes. It seems PTM isn’t the only one with a penchant for flying in weird ways.

 

–Defeated a giant monster shaped like a heart (he saved the city from a heart attack, get it?) by clogging its arteries with pigs. Normally, the pigs have to be cut into strips and fried before they start clogging arteries.

 

Speed

 

–Flew so fast through the sky he appeared as a meteor…before crashing down on Rocko’s office…

 

So Who Wins?

 

Really Really Big Man is really really dead.

 

It’s not going to end well for him. At all. Even with in-character rules, he’s dead, and likely half the planet is going to go with him.

 

RRBM’s nipples of the future might win a prize for being the most disturbing superpower of all time, but it’s not particularly useful. What’s it going to show PTM? That he managed to, against all odds, beat out Timmy Turner, Jimmy Neutron, and Jenny Wakeman for a spot on Nick All-Star Brawl? It’s not going to help RRMB if he uses it on himself either. What’s it going to show him, that he’s about to fight a guy who totally surpasses his sun-toss feat with blowing up the planet? Clairvoyance is a great power provided by can actually do something about what you see.

 

Theoretically, RRBM could use his magic chest hair to discover that PTM has a weakness to milk and then to find the nearest source of milk. But that’s a stretch, both because it stretches what’s conceivable about RRBM’s power set and because he would have to stretch his neck to see into his really really big chest–though he probably could do it via cartoon physics. And if he learns about the weakness, he’s going to have to get to it while PTM is throwing milk hadoukens and stuff, and then he’s going to have to make sure he finishes PTM off before he can pull out a can of powdered toast and power back up. It’s a win-con, but it’s not as likely to happen as PTM blowing him off the face of the Earth with the face of the Earth.

 

Even if the gap in their strength wasn’t so severe, PTM would still win just on the sheer number of weird destructive powers at his command. RRMN doesn’t even have heat vision and super-breathe to round out his Superman power set. PTM on the other hand…well just look at those powers. A marmalade belly button beam that can destroy England–how do you predict something like that?

 

Well, you use magic nipples.

 

But how do you defeat something like that? You don’t.

 

Should I say it? I’ll say it: What do RRMB and PTM have in common? They’re both toast.