A Fraud Check For Christmas

 

It’s not Unicron vs Galactus, but you know what, I’ll take.

 

This has been a long time coming, hasn’t it? The One Joke Man is probably the biggest golden calf in the anime scene. “No you don’t understand, he can beat Superman, he can beat anyone because that’s the joke. It’s funny.”

 

You know what’s funnier than a a tryhard with depression because he can’t find someone to make him waku waku like Goku? A tryhard with depression getting beat up by a guy from the Great Depression who doesn’t care about power levels or fighting or thrill seeking, just driving his boat and making time with his flapper girlfriend.

 

Here comes what’s probably the biggest fraud check in Death Battle history. And its really easy to call.

 

Popeye has beaten up Sun Sama on several occasions. Here’s some of them:

 

 

What does Saitama have to bring to the table to match this? Not much. Not much at all. He beat a guy that maybe could have destroyed the planet. The biggest feat in his entire setting is a guy salami slicing the planet.

Game set match. We can stop it right there.

 

But let’s continue. Because we just had a fight where a character with vastly more abilities trashed another character, and I feel Swan is going to stress just how weird and varied Popeye’s cartoon powers because it’s really fun to talk about all the insane stuff he’s done and when Saitama is compared to Popeye, he just seems dull, both in terms of personality and powers. Saitama is strong. That’s really it. But Popeye is so much more. The dude warps reality with his muscles. You know Flex Mentallo, from Doom Patrol? Popeye is Flex Mentallo taken to the nth degree.

 

When Popeye punches you, you don’t get punched, you get walloped, and when you’re walloped weird things happen to you.

 

 

 

 

Folks, we aren’t even into the color cartoons and One Meme Man is already outmatched.

 

There’s more where that came from–way more. Google Popeye feats, see for yourself. Or better yet, watch some old Popeye cartoons and get your information straight from the source. The old toons still hold up to this day. You got to watch Popeye the Sailor Meets Sinbad at least, that one’s such a classic it’s on the National Film Registry.

 

B-But Saitama’s….

 

Durability Will Save Him!

 

 

You can’t kill Popeye. I know, I know, people say that about every cartoon character, but you really can’t kill Popeye. You destroy him down to the atomic level and he still survives somehow. As an intangible, noncorporeal something, he survives and can pull a can of Spinach out of nowhere to fully restore himself.

 

 

 

And he does it again!

 

And check this one out.

 

I love how people are trying to downplay it. “Ummm Otto, that’s not a durability feat, it’s an existence erasure immunity power. Please check the official fanboy power manual, thank you.”

 

Come on now.

 

Yeah, I’m sure a guy that withstood having the fundamental underlying reality supporting his existence suddenly turned off can be destroyed by conventional means. You can just shoot him, surely, or blow him up. That’ll work in stopping him when the death of reality didn’t. Surely somewhere in the universe there’s an explosion with enough TNT to outperform a move that made all the stars, planets, fundamental forces, cease at not just the atomic level, not just the quantum level, but altogether.

 

Didn’t you fools watch Madara vs Aizen? Didn’t you see how much TNT they gave the Soul King just from preventing three worlds from slowly vanishing?

 

How did this nugget of anti-wisdom even form? Did a superhero recently survive a universe being destroyed atop them? Did vsbattlehugbox freak out because it meant their favorite spergy kung-fu man cartoon couldn’t beat them in a fight anymore? Someone help me out here.

 

Speed Will Save Him!

 

 

Saitama’s never been in two places at once.

 

 

Saitama has never caught light.

 

 

God only knows how they’re going to calc this. How fast do you need to be to repair battleships this fast and push them out of the dock? Go on Death Battle, calc this. I defy you.

 

 

10 after-images? That’s cute Saitamabros, that’s real cute. Your boy is a real Getter-2. Can any of those after images function as independent clones?

 

Yeah. I thought not.

 

4th Wall Powers Will Save Him!

 

What 4th wall powers?

 

Oh. Oh I see. Because Saitama always wins, you think that means he always wins vs battles, yeah?

 

Go watch Booster Gold vs Cable to find out how Swank feels about plot powers. Go read his commentary on Dio vs Alucard.

 

The Fonz has never lost a fight in his life. You think he can go beat up God? Saitama is a big fish in a small pond. He’s the equivalent of a mid-grade Marvel character tossed into Tiger and Bunny or My Hero Academia.

 

But let’s entertain the idea that Saitama’s ability to punk the low-level chumps of his universe seriously. You know who also never lost a fight? Popeye after eating spinach. You know what Popeye also has to top that? Actual 4th wall breaking powers. If you thought Bugs Bunny was something because of Duck Amuck, you’ve seen nothing, absolutely nothing.

 

This is what actual “4th wall hax” looks like:

 

 

This also shows that Popeye can clone himself. So yeah, just putting that out there.

 

 

Film strip. Comic book. It doesn’t matter. Popeye rules over whatever medium he inhabits.