So What Do You Think About the Upcoming Fight, Otto?

 

Ah, so this is why Speed went into hyperventilating damage control mode!

 

Speed, Swank, to all of you and your sycophants reading (because I know you are), here’s some advice–you need to break out of your comfortable Reddit/Twitter/Discord hugbox and engage with real criticism. Between all of you, you have a pop culture reference pool about as deep as a kiddie pool and its starting to hurt your numbers. You guys lost that spark you had when you would make stuff like Felecia vs Taokaka just to have a catgirl fight or Bucky O’Hare vs Fox McCloud just because you thought it was cool. You lost that devil-may-care garage team edge. In short–you sold out, and now you find yourself walking that tightrope between “what do we want to do?” (which is to say, nothing, as Ben and especially Chad don’t care anymore and Swank just wants to use Death Battle as a way to animate his fanfiction scenarios) and “what you need to do?” (which is to say shill fights for Amazon and Warner Bros).

 

You broached upon the solution to your problems when you went about making an “obscure pick” season. Putting some off-beat curve-balls on the roster would be a great way to show that you still have passion and interest and aren’t just zombie-shuffling through the Big 2 superhero catalog.

 

But guys, this ain’t an obscure line-up. It’s been Big 2 vs, a Swank fanfic episode, and an episode you did for Amazon. When Zatanna is the most obscure pick you have, you got problems.

 

I’m not saying you need to make Rom vs Tekkaman or Samaritan vs Supreme. But guys, there is more to pop culture than superheroes. I promise you. There’s a whole wide world to explore outside comic books. Tarzan vs Conan? Han Solo vs Captain Kirk? Robby the Robot vs the Terminator? You can hit some pop culture stables for easy clicks as well as fresh blood.

 

What’s the fight after Tetsuo vs Magneto going to be? Is it going to have a pokemon in it? No wait, Star Wars? I got it, Shonen Jump!

 

You guys have Tourette’s but its for entry level pop culture material. Man, I sure you don’t actually have Boba vs Star Lord. Everyone is going to laugh if that’s what you actually have coming up.

 

So Why Does Magneto Win? (Sanity on)

 

That time Magneto reached across space an took control of the Breakworld bullet, a giant  planet-killing bullet projectile, is likely to squish whatever number they give Tetsuo for gouging the moon. So he’s got more raw power than Tetsuo. His shielding is also really, really good. It’s capable of keeping teleporters like Nightcrawler out so Tetsuo can’t use his teleportation to Kid Miracleman Mags, and that’s assuming Tetsuo would even think of doing that since he’s kind of a big moron who wields his power like a hammer without any finesse.

 

Mags can tear Tetsuo apart at the molecular level, which is GG for his film incarnation. The manga version is able to regenerate and pull extra matter out of thin air, though even he was overpowered by Kai channeling a spirit bomb using the strength of Akira and the smurf people (Tetsuo became more powerful than Akira in the manga), and Mags can, get this, control psychic energy.

 

I’m serious here. Psychic energy is apparently “close enough to electromagnetism” that Magneto can manipulate it. That’s how he was able to defeat Proteus that one time, and Proteus is MUCH more powerful than Tetsuo. Mags could break Tetsuo’s soul like a Biden voter looking for baby formula or shrink him into a little ball and punt him into deep space.

 

The only way Tetsuo stands a prayer is if you give him an extremely favorable interpretation of the I AM…TETSUO scene at the end of the movie, but you shouldn’t, as that:

 

1. Involved Akira’s power, who was more powerful than him.
2. Was an obvious micro-verse, as in Kaneda could hold it in his hands as it continued to shrink down into virtually nothing.
3. When we see into the micro-verse at the end of the credits, we see debris from Tokyo that got caught up in the blast and its dwarfing galaxies.

 

So Why Does Magneto Win? (Swank on)

 

Because Tetsuo is worth one universe so Mags just needs a favorable interpretation of when he fought someone in the Thor league. He just needs to be ranked 1 billionth of a Thor or a Phoenix and given how permissive Swank is with “bleed-on-me” scaling he’s likely to get at least two digits worth of universes.