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The FORBIDDEN Death Battle Prediction Blog Episode 37

 

Prediction 16

 

Heihachi vs Geese

 

Okay, lesson learnt. Never trust the previews, and never change my initial prediction

 

Credit where credit is due. This is the first match this season that actually feels like it lives up to being “season finale worthy” and “a match with history.” Two fighting game gangsters that started as the final bosses of their franchises, became playable, and became semi-final bosses at best. One controls South Town, the other controls a shady zaibatsu (Japanese for “we need stronger antitrust laws”). 

 

This fight is good. If the rest of the season is like this, we won’t have any problems.

 

Too bad it won’t be…

 

So who wins? Heihachi has my vote. He’s got my betting marker and my heart. How can you hate a crazy man who dreams about shooting his family into space like a Bond villain and teaches a bear karate? Geese is cool, but Heihachi is just on another level. The dude got sucked into Soul Caliber, saw all the magic anime swords being swung around, and went “Yeah no thanks. I’ll just punch everyone.”

 

Why do you think they keep using the old man for crossovers? It’s like he said in the film. He IS Tekken.

 

In terms of direct feats, Geese is hosed. Heihachi caught a bullet in his teeth like he was Bruce Leeroy. Geese only gets those reflexes if you scale him to his loyal flunky Billy Kane who blocked an assassin’s bullet aimed at his boss with his metal cane (because, you know, cane, Kane…), and he doesn’t get the strength involved with catching a bullet with your teeth because Billy used his cane, not his body, to block the bullet. To get Geese up to Heihachi’s level, you need to bring in the OVA where Terry fights a dude that plucks bullets out of the air and flings them back. But that, of course, wouldn’t be a direct feat.

 

 Heihachi also took a JACK robot blowing up in his face, flew miles into a grave, and after a nap dug himself out. Heihachi was tossed miles by an exploding life-sized Chip Hazard and was fine after a nap. Geese fell off a building and, in one continuity, died, and in others was soundly defeated.

 

Incapacitated by a fall off a building vs incapacitated by a being blown for miles, its clear who wins this comparison.

 

So just for direct feats, Heihachi wins soundly, but we are in the age of rampant Strunt scaling. It’s not what you can do, it’s who was in your presence while you did it. The fight isn’t Heihachi vs Geese, it’s more like Akuma vs Terry Bogard.

 

Yeah, Akuma.

 

Is it weird that Heihachi is the one that’s going to get that sweet, sweet Ayers Rock splitting, island sinking scaling given the history of SNK vs Capcom games? Yeah kindof, but I can’t really point the finger at Strunt’s scaling madness this time. Tekken made things interestingly messy by making Akuma a major part of the story of Tekken 7. Akuma isn’t like Noctis or Negan or Geese. He’s actually a pretty important part of the story.

 

Does this mean Street Fighter and Tekken share the same setting? Is Street Fighter X Tekken cannon?

 

I guesssssss?

 

If they give Heihachi Akuma scaling, he’s got this on lock. As far as I know, the best KOF feats come from the Zero canon from KOF ‘97. Mr. Karate deflected a city-leveling killsat blast off King, and they’re probably going to go through a web of scaling to get Geese his stats, but the cannon only leveled South Town. We’re talking a Fatman/Little Boy weapon here. That’s not going to be a patch on the triple digit megatons they gave Akuman’s island feat back in Ryu vs Jin. Maybe I’m wrong, and in the vast, vast SNK universe someone in some ending nukes a sun, but I don’t think I am. If you know of any such feats, leave them in the comments and I’ll give you a cookie.

 

And if they give Geese FTL movement based on the killsat beam, they’ll probably do the same for Heihachi off him dodging Devil Kazuya’s head laser thing. Hyperdrive movement for everyone! It’s the Death Battle way!

 

I hope Heihachi wins, but I hope they don’t lean too hard into Akuma scaling to do it. And I really hope they don’t use Jack’s Iron Giant parody ending from Tekken Tag Tournament 2. 

 

Imagine Death Battle taking an obvious joke ending in a non-cannon spinoff title as a benchmark for the power levels of a setting. How sad, but also how predictabo.