Capeworld Comics

Okay.

 

Two things we need to get out of the way real quick.

 

1. Calvin Dyson is the best source for James Bond reviews and lore on the planet. I love him, and I want to give him a shout-out. He has an incredible passion for the character and series. He covers everything 007–books, merchandise, films, games, and goes beyond reviewing the franchise to analyzing it. He breaks down what makes 007 such an enduring pop culture icon and how he’s been reinterpreted throughout the years. He’s great, check him out. He name even sounds like a Bond character. Calvin Dyson. He sounds like he’s going to hold the world hostage with a moon laser.

 

2. Craig Bond? Really? Out of all the Bonds they could have picked, they picked the one from Ultimate James Bond? The only Bond to not be in continuity with the others? Don’t even try to bring in 007 Legends, that was made back before Specter, back when you could maybe-if-you-squinted fit Casino Royal as a prequel to the other Bonds. Calvin Dyson talks about it at 34:37. Death Battle, you casual morons, you picked the one Bond not in continuity with the other Bonds to represent them. How typical. How appropriate.

 

Now let’s talk about the matchup. It’s not Magneto vs Tetsuo levels of “You didn’t even try.” There are legit thematic connections here–suited assassins who tried to leave the game and got pulled back in when someone made it personal. That works. Yes, James’ status as an assassin is heavily underplayed in the movies compared to the novels, but he’s got a license to kill for a very good reason–he’s MI6’s hatchet man. They send him in to investigate and then terminate people. His MO even inspired the Hitman series–guy in a suit goes to an exotic location, gets close to a bad guy, and then uses gadgets and guile to kill him. If you’re still not convinced James is an assassin, consider what happens to every single target he’s sent to investigate. He so counts as an assassin, just like Wick, and just like Wick, he tried quitting in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, and just like Wick, his happiness was stripped away from him prompting him to pick his guns up again.

 

It’s an okay matchup, but only okay, and probably only came about because Death Battle and the social media hugbox they surround themselves with have shallow reference pools, so when they decided to use low-level action hero characters they went with Wick and Craig Bond because those are the few action movies they’ve actually seen. The problem is that outside On her Majesty’s Secret Service and Bond getting his revenge by dumping Blofeld down a smokestack, Bond isn’t really about getting revenge. You cut out one movie and an opening to another and he doesn’t have that arc at all. Revenge isn’t, on the whole, as central to Bond as it is for Wick.

There were better matchups for Bond, and given how much of a timeless pop culture figure Bond is he needed to start his Death Battle debut with a great matchup, not an okay one. A battle royal could have been really fun, with all the Bonds having their feats locked to their respective films. It could even have had a part 2 where everyone fights in their cars. Just think–Connery in his Aston Martin, Moore in his Lotus Espirit, Brosnan in his Vanquish, it could have been really fun. Or they could have made Jason Bourne vs James Bond. That would have been really interesting. That would have been the best possible super spy fight.

 

Oh well. This has been a season full of missing the mark.

 

Now lets talk about who is going to win.

 

It’s Bond.  Bond is going to win.

 

At melee range, Bond takes Wick apart. You might find that an odd statement, because Wick has all these cool super-elaborate fight scenes while Bond’s tend to be more subdued. Bond doesn’t usually brawl his way through goons like Wick does. But Bond has the stat and experience advantages. Bond has fought freaks of nature like Oddjob and Jaws, and while he wasn’t able to beat them outright, he was able to, for instance, stun Jaws long enough to get to a magnet to beat him in The Spy Who Loved Me, so his punches and kicks have some force behind them. Bond is also very, very durable in melee. Oddjob is strong enough to break metal with his bear hands and Bond endured a beat-down at his hands. And Jaws is way too powerful for the type of setting James Bond is. He’s a delightful fan favorite because he breaks the logic of his universe even more than Baron Samedi being an actual spirit does. Jaws bit a shark to death. Jaws tore off chunks of a van and then overpowered it when it tried to run him over. Jaws hit a circus tent from terminal velocity and just brushed himself off. He always brushes himself off. When I get around to making a battle for him, I’m not sure whether to have him fight Bruce from Jaws or Marv from Sin City. And yet, James was able to not only endure Jaws choke-slamming him against the ceiling, he was able to hold back his bite long enough to grab a lamp and then force it into Jaw’s mouth. James clearly isn’t as strong as Jaws, but just being strong enough to fight back and inconvenience Jaws puts him way above Wick. James also has the experience edge over Wick when it comes to fighting weird, skilled, and weirdly skilled opponents. James has fought a lot of guy son his level while Wick’s opponents by and large consist of henchman fodder. Oddjob and Jaws are the big ones, but don’t forget the highly trained SPECTRE assassin Red Grant, voodoo spirit Baron Samedi, and those two lifeguards from Kids Next Door. Bond is just way more used to fighting guys like Wick than Wick is used to fighting guys like Bond.

 

For durability/strength feats beyond scaling, expect Death Battle to bring up how Bond endured being electrocuted by a guy in electrified power armor (James Bond went to some weird places) in Die Another Day and how he was able to swim against an underwater fan in View to a Kill.

 

So Bond has melee range on lock just through feats and raw stats. How does he handle a mid-rang fight? Pretty good actually. Wick is typically better armed in terms of guns, but if they give Bond everything he’s ever shot on screen he should be able to match Wick’s arsenal. In terms of accuracy, Bond has this feat from Moonraker where he countersnipes a goon with a shotgun which could get him over Wick. And don’t forget his clay pigeon shot from Thunderball. But what really puts him over Wick at mid range is his gadgets.

 

Bond is a little like Batman (appropriate, given that Adam West once said the 60’s were ruled by the three B’s–Beetles, Bond, and Batman) in that he only has a few select items for every adventure and gets quite a bit more powerful if you let him run around with his entire arsenal. He’s got an advantage over Wick just for how many disguised explosives he has. I don’t recall Wick ever using anything like a hand grenade, but Bond has lots of explosive stuff. Exploding lighters. Exploding pens. Exploding cigarettes.

 

And lets talk about the other stuff. Bond doesn’t really need his gadgets to win but they help lock down the argument for him winning. The belt grapple from Goldeneye and jetpack from Thunderball give Bond a mobility advantage over Wick. The watch from Live and Let Die projects a magnet field that can attract magnetic objects, undress women, and block bullets at long range (this is never shown on screen, though we should be able to trust Q’s opinion). Bond could just snap Wick’s gun out of his hand and shoot him with it, or pretend to get shot by him, fall down, and then get right back up and shoot Wick.

 

And if Death Battle wants to get really mean, they can let Bond use the remote-control BMW from Tomorrow Never Dies. With its armor and  rockets it should be more than enough for Wick. I don’t think they’re going to give it to Bond though, as that would be against the spirit of the fight and would be like if they had Jason summon is zord to step on Leo, but technically I think it falls under the rules as a “summon.” The BMW isn’t like Bond’s other cars. He can make it come to him just by taking out he control phone.

 

At long range, the fight is more even, as I don’t recall either of them being snipers. Bond might have a little bit of an edge from the infrared ArmaLite he carried in From Russia With Love, but long-range is a moot point. These guys fight up-close 99.9 percent of the time, and they kill their major foes up close. One of them is going to die up close, and smart baccarat money is on it being Wick.

 

Bond is going to win. I got no doubt about it. The only question is what he’s going to quip after capping Wick. “Snuffed, Mr. Wick.” “Now you’re retired for good.” “I’m too old for fairy tales, Baba Yaga.”