Ah, there it is, some satisfaction.

 

Sure, we had to go through…probably the most swanked, hagiographic take on a character the show has ever seen. But this is nice payoff. This is the lollipop after the shot. This was one that needed to have been done years ago. This is a highly requested match, and I don’t mean highly requested in the way “Ichi Hirohito from the light novel Ah! My Virginity!: A Demon Quest Misadventure vs Literally the Who from this one 90’s platformer my discord groomer showed me” is a “highly requested” fight. That’s “highly requested” because its spammed by discord cultists on a fatwa to astroturf it into happening. Jason vs Michael is highly requested because it has history and cultural relevance.

 

By the way, Dragon Ball Super couldn’t beat Superpets at the box office. I don’t want to hear weebs ever open their mouths about anime being popular ever again. Too bad zenkai boosts don’t kick in after getting slaughtered at the box office.

 

Just wanted to get that out there real quick.

 

Jason vs Michael is a thing like King Kong vs Godzilla, Alien vs Predator, Batman vs Superman, and Terminator vs Robocop are things. They’re two alpha predators jockeying for the same niche, two superstrong unkillable silent slashers. Nature demands they fight.

 

This fight has a rap battle.

 

It has a fan film.

 

It has a stop-motion toy fight.

 

It has a sprite battle

 

Jason and Michael have fought as toys, actors, rappers, and sprites. This is a fight that Death Battle needed to do not because it had to be done, its been done time and time again by, but because as the Internet’s main who-would-win show, its high time they added their two cents.

 

If this fight doesn’t blow up, it won’t be because there’s not demand and interest. It’ll be because Death Battle has pigeon holed themselves into a very niche audience of who would win enthusiasts. And given that they did Checkout Aisle Comics Silver vs Xenoscape Trunks…yeah they probably have slit their own throats in that regard.

 

So Who Wins?

 

I did this fight a long time ago, and to make it more fair, I stuck to pre-VI Jason. For those that don’t know, until he was revived by a lightning bolt, Jason was like Michael–ostensibly human even though he obviously did things and survived things no human possibly could. After he got a Frankenstein revival, he was considerably more powerful. So to keep things fair, I stuck to pre-VI Jason.

Jason still won.

That should tell you how open-shut this fight is.

 

Jason’s too strong, too durable, too fast. He can tear Michael apart like tissue paper.

 

And compare how they handle people that fight back.

 

This is what happens when someone tries to fight Jason.

 

This is what happens when someone tries to fight Mikey.

 

Check out that scream he makes as Busta Rymes electrocutes him in the junk. He sounds like a NES boss after taking the last hit.

 

OOOOOOHHHHHHH.

 

That’s the sound he’s going to make as Jason shoves his fist through his chest and Kano’s out his heart.

 

Now, the fight being a blowout doesn’t mean it’s not a good fight. A lot of great fights have been blowouts. Take Billy vs Carol for instance, or Hal vs Ben, or the really strong kino characters I like vs the puny entry level characters you like.

 

This match is going to be a test of Death Battle’s ability to put on a good show. I’m looking for some things:

 

–Innocent bystanders dying by the dozen.

 

–Nudity.

 

–Both fighters turning into pincushions.

 

–Both fighters bleeding from their eyeholes.

 

–Both fighters being set on fire.

 

–Absolutely brutal finish with Jason dismantling Mikey with his bare hands until he’s about a third of a torso and a head. Jason beheads Michael and takes the head back to his shack to put it next to Pam and Freddy–who winks at the camera.

 

–The turning point in the fight comes when they both knock the other’s mask off. Jason isn’t bothered at all because he’s had his mask knocked off plenty of times, but it bothers Mikey like in the first movie and he scrambles for it Rorschach style, which sets him open to eat a big counterattack. This demonstrates a major difference between the two–Jason doesn’t need to kill. He’s completely fine living alone in the woods. But Mikey does need to kill. Halloween: Sam had Loomis reveal Mikey’s biggest weakness–his whole life, his entire being, is spent on trying to recreate the feeling he had when he killed his sister. He needs to be as scary and in-control as he was on that night. He needs the mask, because he used a mask when he killed his sister.

 

But Jason doesn’t need the mask.

Because he’s the man behind the mask.

 

Man, how did Jason end up with such an album of awesome songs? Love is a Lie, Darkest Side of Night, XIII, even the Part III theme is awesome in a funky drive-in spookshow kind of way.

 

He’s bizarrely very musical for a character that never speaks.